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Donkey Kong is a mix between a donkey and king kong

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called "experts" at MarioWiki have a real article on Donkey Kong.
DKvs.Yoshi

Yoshi versus Donkey Kong.

Donkey Kong also known as "Expand Dong" is an overgrown mario cookie that hates his arms, so he expanded his dong to cover them up. DK is responsible for making a live Kirby. This Kirby had beaten him up and ruined his eyes so they turned red. DK became blind, and couldn't see, so he got a guide dog. He enjoys smelling various things and breathing Oxygen.

He had once battled Little Mac for the title but like all the other fighters, got beaten up.

Donkey EntireDance

Donkey Kong is putting on the groove.

He first appeared in the Donkey and Pong shames as one of the playable guys. Next he stared in Donkey and Pong Country where he and King K. Rool play what fans called "Ping Pong" with a new ball- Diddy Kong.

Biography

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Lanky Kong

One day, when Mario "Jumpman" Mario and his girlfriendPauline were walking along, visiting the zoo, they saw an angry ape. Pauline, being the blindhead that she is, thought that it was a donkey while Mario, being one of those Italians who's a fan of King Kong, thought it was King Kong in the flesh. He thought it was King Kong, thus making him shit his pants, because hethought it was King Kong, right there, in the living fur, standing there, in a cage. He was even super cranky. Pauline suggested that Mario should become a carpenter (they were gettin' broke, after all, because to Mario's first job, cooking, landed him in prison after customers hadHallucinations due to the special "Mushrooms" he put in their food.

Donkey Kong would only let a real home for him be, uh, carpented by Mario if he got paid, with bananas of course. The problem was that Mario earned Money, the exact opposite of the Banana, and the worldwide

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DK's Store

currency is NOT the banana (yet). Mario also didn't have any bananas, instead deciding to spend his money on more mushrooms. DK became furious, getting bent on destroying all money, finally landing on Pauline (literally). He, learning from his father, a 22-foot gorilla, then decided to climb atop a building, only this time, it was not even finished.

Mario had to climb the 100m tower to stop DK and get the girl, all while DK was throwing barrels of unknown substance at him. Mario finally

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DK being clueless

destroyed all those construction workers' hard work and collapsed the building-in-progress. Donkey Kong fell a long way, until he crashed directly on his head, causing majorbrain injuries and massive damage.

After weeks in the hospital, the unconscious ape finally woke up. He had learned that one of the boi's he had screwed, adumb blonde, had given birth to a gorilla, complete with a shirt that says "J", through the news. He

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DK in Love

was outraged, and he blasted outta that dump, only to find hisbaby at a construction site, and through a funny series of ups trying to climb it, he finally rescued him. However, Mario, still mad as fun that DK had his girl,captured him, stuffing him in an authentic cage that was actually a prop used in King Kong, and through a funny case of "Like father, like son", Donkey Kong Jr. rescued his old man from the old man. Mario was not injured that much, because he always hits shit with his head. Mario

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DK captured by King k Rool

later went on to star in a bunch ofshitty children's games and form the most successful spin-off franchise in history.

There was also the time some Nerd named Stanley kept spraying shit into DK's butt so he could get his head trapped in a bee hive or some crud. Donkey Kong does not like to talk about it.

Since then, everyone has called Donkey Kong "Cranky Kong" and Donkey Kong Jr. just Donkey Kong, which is the DK that we'll be talking about.

Donkey Kong never knew how to look "cool", and was thinking that he should wear whatever made him looked as "cool" as monkingly possible: a tie. All the kids made fun of him because he dressed like an hole. However, Donkey Kong "befriended" some kid named Funky, a kid from Jamaica,mon, who gave him a list of how to be cool.

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DK at the bar

Da Funkay List

1. Wear a suit with a thong underneath

2. Give yourself a mullet

3. Strip-Tease the Teacher

Donkey Kong decided to take Funky's advice. So the next day, Donkey Kong came to school with a mullet and a

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DK killing ryu

suit. All the kids said it was an improvement of what he wore the day before, but he still looked like a boi

Donkey Kong initially had trouble finding work, since he had a criminal record and he was a shit-flinging monkey, which isn't the best criteria for hiring. Later, Pindendoh talent scouts spotted him at a film audition, in which he pounded the judges into a bloody pulp violently into the ground after losing out to Magilla Gorilla. On arrival at the set for his new game, he found he was to be working with Mario, who was understandably

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DK dead

pissed at Donkey Kong for raping his girlfriend. They worked well together, albeit grudgingly, on a game called Hello: Reach for the Sky! for the Zony Whea, which went on to receive scathing reviews and sell less than Okami. Donkey Kong was fired.

Starting after his conversion to Judaism, Donkey Kong got himself a "nice" interest rate from a his third wife's uncle and invested in his first race track in South Eastern Congo, now the world famous DK Mountain, jungle, and a ski resort in the winter. Displaced locals from the

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DK playing the drums

construction were kept in line with Donkey's thugs, "The Guerrilla Squad." His massive profits, a result of loose gambling laws and proximity to Pirate Dabloons, were then Parlayed into more race tracks, including one in his multi-million banana Tahoe ski palace. In 1991, Donkey was in debt to Colombian investment partners for over 12 million bananas despite indulging a 28.3 grams of cocaine per day habit. By 1992, jokes about Donkey's snow palace were already played out, and most of his racing assets were being managed into the ground by Funky. The tracks were eventually bought out and incorporated into his rival Jumpman's Mario Kart franchise like a total dick. The Colombians Jammed him up six ways til Sunday and screwed his kneecaps.

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DK Surprised

Donkey Kong starred in many popular cult movies, such as The Jewel Of The Nile However, he had a breakdown on set after Nightowl complained that Dr. Manhattan's illuminating junk was distracting him. D.K. was thrown off set, replaced, and was once again out on the street. Out of pure luck, he strolled along until he was discovered by the producers of American Idol. Needing a new judge, he was cast as the person that perfectly emulated his pent-up anger, rage, and incredible lust for bad singers that liked to show their cleavage. The rest is, of course, history.

After Donkey Kong's stint as a kidnapper and rapist, he did not end his

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Dk playing the switch

spree of crime. Leaving his position as judge on American Idol in light of molestation allegations, Donkey Kong began to look for new ways of getting quick cash. Using a connection he had met in prison by street name of "Diddy Kong" AKA K Diddy. Donkey Kong started selling Diddy's bananas on the street for nearly half the price of the rival Crocodile gang. In an act of retaliation, the Crocodile Gang raided the Kong's banana plantation, stealing all of their precious bananas. In an astonishing act of violence credited to various fruits, Donkey and Diddy committed a vicious massacre of nearly every member of the Crocodile Gang to retrieve their stolen bananas. Respect grew for the Kongs, and as followers of the Kongs increased, they eventually formed the "DK

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DK going banana's

Crew"; currently the largest producer and trafficker of bananas.

Trivia