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Gabe Newell, the genius mind behind this game.

Half-Mario was a shame for the GBA. It was a shame. It was also a shame. Shameful.

Story

During the video game wars 2, Nim-Nom was fighting Hitler's league because Hitler's league had a game Nim-Nom's didn't. That game was called Half-Luigi. Nim-Nom gave Hitler a peace treaty,, and Hitler signed it. The game developers of Nim-Nom's league made a parody called Half-Mario. They traded their games, and both were successes. Then, George W. Bush stole all coupies of Half-Mario. Seriously, onlt George W. Bush and I remember. I was in Nim-Nom's league as a game developer.

Random Stuff That Don't Matter

Mario arrives late for work at 8:47 am in the White Mesa Research Facility, using its tram system. He acquires his Hazardous Environment suit before proceeding to the test chamber of the Anomalous Materials Lab, to assist in an experiment. He is tasked with pushing a non-standard specimen into the scanning beam of the Anti-Mass Spectrometer for analysis. However, this creates a sudden catastrophe called a "resonance

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Gabe Newell's wife. (IT'S A TRAP!)

cascade", opening a portal between the Mushroom Kingdom and a dimension called Ween. Mario is sporadically teleported there and catches glimpses of various alien lifeforms, including a circle of Weegeegaunts, shortly before blacking out.

Mario awakens in the ruined test chamber and surveys the destroyed lab, strewn with the bodies of scientists and security personnel. (Including his brother, Luigi, without Mario knowing) Finding survivors, Mario learns that communication to the outside is completely cut and is encouraged to head to the surface for help because of his suit. His journey consists of sidestepping Blue Mesa's structural damage and defending himself against hostile Xen creatures, such as the parasitic

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Xenians (iFunny logo) attacking NPCs (sexy) in the game

headcrab which attaches itself to a human host before enslaving it, suddenly teleporting into the area. Other survivors claim a rescue team has been dispatched, only to discover that the Hazardous Environment Combat Unit sent in is killing both the organisms and the employees there as part of a government cover-up.

Mario fights the Marines before reaching the surface of Orange Mesa, where he learns that scientists from the Lambda Complex may have the means to resolve the problems created by the cascade. Mario travels to the other end of the facility to assist them. However, Mario encounters several hurdles throughout the facility, such as reactivating a rocket engine test facility to destroy a giant creature of three tentacles, using an aged railway system in order to get to and launch a crucial satellite rocket, and fighting a group of Black Ops soldiers, before he is captured by Marines and dumped in a garbage compactor. Mario escapes and makes his way to an older part of the facility where he discovers an extensive collection of specimens collected from Xen, long before the resonance cascade.

Reaching the surface once more, Mario finds a warzone. Despite calling

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Mr. Friendly. An unused enemy that would drug and then rape the player to death, also uses pudding pops as weapons.

for reinforcements, the Marines are being overwhelmed by the aliens. Scaling cliffs and navigating destroyed buildings, Mario reaches safety underground. The Marines begin to pull out of Orange Mesa and airstrikes begin. Meanwhile, Mario goes through underground water channels as aliens pick off the remaining Marines. He arrives at the Lambda Complex, where scientists developed the teleportation technology that allowed travel to Xen in the first place. After meeting the remaining personnel,

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Fans mercilessly murdered their Mario body pillows after hearing Half-Mario 3 was cancelled.

Mario is told the satellite he launched failed to reverse the effects of the resonance cascade because an immensely powerful being on the other side of the rift is keeping it open. Mario must, therefore, kill this being to stop the Xenian invasion and the scientists activate the teleporter to send Mario to Xen.

Entering the borderworld Xen, Mario encounters organisms that had been

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I..have absolutely no idea why this is here.

brought into Afro-American Mesa, as well as the remains of HEV-wearing researchers that came before him. He fights his way through Gonarch, the huge egg-laying headcrab, an alien camp and arrives at a massive alien factory, which is creating the Alien Grunt soldiers. After fighting his way through levitating creatures, he finds a giant portal and enters it. In a vast cave, Mario confronts the Weegee, the entity maintaining the rift, and destroys it. The Weegee dies in an explosion, knocking Mario unconscious.

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Leaked box art of Half-Mario 9.

Mario awakens, stripped of his gear, to the G-Man, who has been watching over Mario throughout. The G-Man praises Mario's actions in Xen. He explains that his "employers", believing that Mario has potential, have authorized him to offer Mario a job. Should he refuse this offer, he will be given a battle that he has no chance of winning. When Mario accepts, he is placed into stasis and congratulated by the G-Man. Also, i forgot to mention. YOU GOTTA KILL KOOPAS, BEFORE THEY KILL YOU!!

You attack things by Sparta kicking, shooting, using Malleo as a weapon, and stuff. In the end, You find Luigi dead and you go to his funeral. It ends with Ash Ketchum mudering his money, Though it had NOTHING to do with the game. Oh wait, Ash Kethcum was a secret boss, right?

Weapons

  1. Fist: The most useless weapon in the game, seriously! Using it will kill you in real life!
  2. Chainsaw: Slightly more useful than the fist.
  3. Unmaker: It forcefully atracts to the enemy to their mother's womb, "unmaking" them. (DeviantArt loves this weapon!)
  4. Soul Triangle Square: An EVIL AND POSSESSED HYBRID OF THE GAME TRIANLGE AND GAME SQUARE! IT WILL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!!!!!!!!
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    A prototype for half mario 4

  5. ASMD: A Shock rifle, it throws computers with happypuppies.net displayed on them.
  6. Assault Cannon: It exists, that's the only thing that this weapon does.
  7. M60: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60.
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    Mario's Rival

  8. MP5: 1 2 3 4 5.
  9. M16: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen.
  10. Weegee Grenades: Inhales enemies into the void of WEEGEE.
  11. Crowbar: A simple melee weapon with many advantages, that has become an iconic symbol of Mario Freeman and the Half-Mario series has a whole. Useful for breaking objects and bludgeoning approaching enemies such as Headcrabs.
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    A Glitch

  12. Glock 17: Standard weapon used by those guys that you're gonna chatch later and that'll buy you a beer, now used by you! YES! YOU! Aren't you flattered those guys were dumb enough to get killed by the crappiest enemies, so you can steal their
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    The Origin of Half Mario

    weapon you'll only use for a few chapters until you get the much better SMG?
  13. .357 Magnum (Colt Python revolver): Powerful and accurate with a slow rate of fire. Ammunition is also somewhat scarce, however, it will often kill any enemy with one shot.
  14. BFG9000: Hey, this is Half-Mario, not Shroom!
  15. SPAS-12: It's a shotgun, BOOM!
  16. Insane BFG9000: The Most Powerful Gun Ever...
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    A Costume for the game

  17. Bowser's stinky breath: After finishing the too-long-for-a-mini-game Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story, Bowser would puke out Mario and Luigi after voring them. And due to his breath smelling like DeviantArt, it can easily kill most Weegeegaunts.
  18. Dexter hurting the koopas' feelings by calling them stoopid: Kills the Koopas faster BEFORE THEY KILL YOU!
  19. RPG: Final Fantasy is one.
  20. Crossbow: The only sniper weapon in Half-Mario. So yes, you can
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    A Bootleg for half mario

    scream "WANKAH" whenever you use it.
  21. Gluon Gun: Made by a guy with a Ghostbusters fetish. OP as all Hell.
  22. (Rare) Gravity Gun: Only used in the levels where you go trough some shitty European country and the game is kinda worse than the first one.
  23. Tau Cannon/Gauss Gun/Tau Gun/Gauss Cannon/WHO CARES/AAAAARGH: WHOUAWHUAU!! PIEEANG!!! SCCHHHHH!!! WHOOAAOOAAOOAOAWOWOWWWPPPPP SSHCHCHCH!!!!!1111 WHGIAUWHWOIAH9WAEFH3WP98HRW39HGW39GHE9IRGHEROH PPP schhhh ): THIS GUN SOUNDS AWESOME, AND IT'S AWESOME!!!!! Shoot trough walls and blow yourself up by overcharging. 
  24. The Hive-Hand: The hivehand is an weapon you shove your hand down it's ass, ew. It fires some flying triangle thingies that kill things, it's great in multiplayer.
  25. Hand-Grenade: Hand-grenades are pretty standard in Half-Mario. There is a three-second delay, so don't hold it too long or it'll blow your boxers off. It doesn't have a built-in ticker, so you can be all sneaky with them and stuff.
  26. Trap Mines: Once set they emit a laser beam 90 degrees outwards. Once that beam is broken by anything, the mine explodes. They can be placed anywhere, including floors and ceilings. They are absolutely worthless 2765825634856348563489564389763483498276498347634896348963489564389563489764832956349587poo74349694762956915624620652096804865206834086% of the time.
  27. Littler Cosby: Toss a few at these at an enemy and watch them tear flesh from bone. Make sure they have targets to attack though, because if none are found, they'll turn right back around and head for you. The Cosbies explode after 10-15 seconds.

Bosses

  1. Nim-Nom
  2. Kaa the Python
  3. Team Rocket
  4. Littler Bill and THE BIGGEST BILL!
  5. Malleo
  6. George W. Bush
  7. Bowser's Family
  8. Weegee
  9. (Secret Boss) Ash Ketchum
  10. (Secret Boss) Insane Weegee
  11. (Secret Boss) Warlord
  12. Final FINAL Boss

Levels

  1. R A I N B O W   M E S A ! ! ! !
  2. Xen, home of Weegee

Mutations

1. Bleed Out: Your health is a ticking away.

You start with temporary health which cannot be permanently healed. To Unlock it, beat the game once.

2. Last Gnome on Earth: Protect the gnome at all costs.

You will spawn with Gnome Chompski close by, which you must transport by carrying it all the way to the finale. The chapter will not end without the gnome being in Mario's Hands. To Unlock it, beat the game twice.

3. Gib Fest: Disrupt Creatures to shreds with the Gluon Gun.

Mario will start with the Gluon Gun and a .357 Magnum to fend off Xen creatures. No other weapons will spawn during the game. The Gluon Gun will have unlimited ammunition. To Unlock it, beat the game On Very Hard.

Box art

Halfmario

What do you mean it's not epic?!