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No, That's My Candy! is an episode of The Super Wario Bros. Wah-wah Show!.

Plot Summary

Wario's candy bar gets stolen, so he does the only logical thing possible and goes on a shooting spree until he finds it.

Script

Scene 1

It is a typical day. WARIO walks into a nondescript candy store where MR. JENKINS is behind the counter and some babies are looking at candy.
MR. JENKINS: Hello, Wario!
BABY MARIO: Hi Wario!
BABY PEACH: Hi Wario!
BABY LUIGI: Hi Wario!
BABY WARIO: Hi future me!
WALUIGI: Yo, Wario!
BOB SAGET: Hey, Wario! How's it going?
PROF. E. GADD: Yabba yabba yabba!
WARIO: Shut up! Shut up all of ya!
MR. JENKINS: So, what can I do for you?
WARIO: I'll tell you what you can do for me!
MR. JENKINS: So, what can I do for you?
WARIO: I'll tell you what you can do for me!
MR. JENKINS: So, what can I do for you?
WARIO: I'll tell you what you can do for me!
PROF. E. GADD: Yabba yabba!
MR. JENKINS: So, what can I do for you?
WARIO: I keep saying that I'll tell you! Dammit, will you listen to me!
BABY MARIO: Wario made a swear!
BABY PEACH: Waaahh!!!!
BABY WARIO: Oh Yeah! I grow up to be friggin bad!
Baby Wario shakes his booty. Meanwhile, Mr. Jenkins and Wario are still having a pointless conversation...
MR. JENKINS: So, what can I do for you?
WARIO: You people are so retarded! How the heck did you become actors when you can't even read your dumb scripts?
There is a brief pause.
MR. JENKINS: So, what can I do for you?
WARIO: I'll tell you! You can take all of those candy bars and give them to me. For free.
Wario pulls out a gun.
WALUIGI: Ooh, Wario got a gun! Whatcha gonna do now, huh, foo? I tell you what you gonna do! You gonna give us all yo candy!
MR. JENKINS: So, what can I do for you?
WARIO: SHUT UP!!!
WARIO shoots MR. JENKINS. Then he takes all of the candy and runs away with WALUIGI.

Scene 2

WARIO runs into a nondescript dark alley with WALUIGI.
WARIO: All right! Let's eat some candy!
WALUIGI: I haven't talked to a girl for the past six months.
WARIO: Shut up! Prepare to gorge on chocolate.
He opens up the bag of loot, but the candy's missing!
WALUIGI: Dun dun dun!
WARIO: You mean someone stole our candy?!
WALUIGI: It looks that way.
WARIO: You did it, didn't you?
WALUIGI: Wha - me? No, I --
WARIO: You greedy guy!
WALUIGI: I don't even know what that is --
WARIO: Oh yes you do!
WALUIGI: But I --
WARIO: I'm gonna kill you!
WALUIGI: NO!
WARIO takes out his gun and pulls that thing that you pull to make the gun go off and kills WALUIGI. He then searches WALUIGI'S pockets but doesn't find the candy. Then he sees a GOOMBA eating a whole buncha candy.
WARIO: Hey, hey, hey you!
GOOMBA: Me?
WARIO: Are you eating chocolate?
GOOMBA: Yes.
WARIO: NO, THAT'S MY CANDY!!
GOOMBA: I dun't care.
BABY LUIGI: Who spells don't with a U?
BOB SAGET: U!
WARIO: You'd better care, cuz I'm gonna get my candy back!
WARIO sits on the GOOMBA and squashes him. He then takes the candy and is about to take a bite when DRY BONES comes and steals the candy. DRY BONES runs away to a nondescript McDonald's restaurant.

Scene 3

WARIO burts into the nondescript McDonald's restaurant just as DRY BONES starts to eat the candy.
WARIO: That's MY candy!
DRY BONES: Now it's mine!
WARIO: Mine!
DRY BONES: Mine!
WARIO: Mine!
DRY BONES: Mine!
WARIO: Mine!
DRY BONES: Mine!
MIME: Did somebody say mime?
WARIO: (Frozen in fear) Oh hell no . . . NOT YOU!!!
MIME: I'm trapped in a box, see?
The MIME moves his hands around as if he's trapped in a box. WARIO and DRY BONES scream. DRY BONES pulls a gun and shoots the MIME repeatedly. As he does so, WARIO grabs the candy and runs off. DRY BONES tries to follow, but when he gets to the road, he gets hit by a truck. A McDONALD'S WORKER finds his remains.
McDONALD'S WORKER: Hey, cool, roadkill! I think I'll cook you into a BigMac. I'm out of beef and the customer's not gonna notice the difference . . .

Scene 4

WARIO runs into a nondescript closet in his nondescript house.
WARIO: Heh heh heh! I finally have my candy!
SOME TINY MORON THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT: You mean you think you finally have your candy!
WARIO: Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
SOME TINY MORON THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT: No I'm not.
SOME TINY MORON THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT then pulls out a gun. WARIO does the same. They hold their weapons deadlocked at each other. SOME TINY MORON THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT fires his bullet in slow-motion, but WARIO dodges it in normal motion, then shoots SOME TINY MORON THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT and SOME TINY MORON THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT was sent flying over the horizon.
WARIO: YES!! Now, to eat my prize . . .
WARIO pulls some candy out of the bag, but then he looks at the wraper, which says that the candy is past the expiration date. He eats some anyway, then has a heart attack and dies.

Morals of the Story

  • Don't steal candy.
  • Don't eat candy that's past the expiration date.

Trivia

  • This episode took place in a lot of nondescript locations.
  • The expiration date for the candy is July 14, 1954.

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